we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
