Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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