bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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