Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
