I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
