i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize