I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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