i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
