honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
