Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
