I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
