i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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