I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize