good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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