I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
