Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
