We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm like, not good at living.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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