You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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