I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
