Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
