I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
