mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize