I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
