the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
