i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
