He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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