Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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