I showed him my bush... on skype.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
