I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
