i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
