i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
