It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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