i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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