Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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