I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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