Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
