He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
God gave him joint rollers for hands
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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