Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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