Need sex. Gaining weight.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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