I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
