I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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