dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
