her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
