All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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