One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
