Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
