There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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