so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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