My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
