somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
