it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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