Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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