I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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