Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
