who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
