I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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