i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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