I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
